Thursday, May 29, 2008

You know you're in trouble when....


...you get the biggest coffee they serve today so you can have "leftovers" the next morning when you know you won't have time to feed the addiction with a trip to Starbucks at 7am. Who in their right mind drinks "coffee leftovers?" Only a true caffeine-dependent. Perhaps I should start working the 12 steps. The first step is admitting you are powerless over your addiction. No coercion or intervention is necessary folks, I'll stand up and give my testimonial shamelessly! I believe that I can blame it all on my career choice of social work. Every addict has to have a scapegoat, no?

(***Disclaimer: this post is all in fun! Please don't take this as my criticism of addiction or try to stage an intervention for me at the Starbucks drive-thru. A) I understand that addiction is a serious issue that is not to be mocked, and B) I very well might run you down to place my order at the drive-thru. Consider yourself warned.)

It all began innocently enough in 1999, senior year of college...a paper cup of cheap vanilla latte from the vending machines in the college library. A girl has to have energy to cram for her Spanish final, right? Or maybe because it was fun to take a break and gawk at all the faux-Goth kids that were studying in the basement where the coffee machine was... Yeah, right...as if there would be legit Goth kids attending school at Catholic Disneyland! Whatever...

Fast forward to 2001 when I'm about to graduate from the masters program. The entire time I lived in Austin I might have made one pot of coffee. But I was starting to become a "social drinker" by going to Mozart's coffee shop...again, to "study" and check out the scene on the lake front while sipping a sugar-laden mocha. In an ultra-caffeinated state I churn out a 100 page paper on social work policy as it relates to the unauthorized sterilization of the MHMR population - in ONE NIGHT - and receive a BIG FAT "A". Talk about reinforcement! Those darn enablers! Plus, my unpaid 35-hr per week internship was at an in-patient substance abuse program for adolescent males who were court ordered to attend. And I am still fairly shy. And speak quietly. And look 16. Do you see where this is going? BIG FUN! Do you know much about the 12 steps? Well, let me tell ya' this up front: if you are not "in recovery" yourself, you have no validity and no business trying to help those who are. You are an outsider. You've never walked their walk, struggled with those issues, looked the demon of addiction in the eye. This protocol applies to not only the kids in the program, but the staff. I get it...
So there are only two ways to connect during the breaks between meetings: smoking or caffeinating. Since there is no way on God's green earth that I would smoke, I chose the road less traveled: a strong cup of dark, fudgy coffee. Now this is the el cheapo crap. It is not even Maxwell House, it is like, um, Maxwell Shack, or Maxwell Cardboard Box. And yes, it literally put hair on my chest. But you know what? Those little court-ordered punks listened when I facilitated group with a cup in my hand, and the staff laid off of me, and I only hated the unpaid internship HALF as much as I did initially!

Fast forward to 2003 when I'm employed as an in-home therapist for children on the brink of being shipped off to residential programs and juvenile detention. Starbucks is on the way to work and my boss introduces me to venti caramel macchiatos, which give me the energy to power through another job day after day that is a poor fit. Then my pants start to get tight and I cannot make the connection between this event and the extra 1,200 calories per day that I'm consuming. Finally resolve to stop drinking this sugar-laden confection and immediately drop 12 lbs within 2 months. Yowza. Can't let that happen again, better stick to regular old coffee.

Somewhere in this time frame my mother-in-law shows me an excerpt from a book on nutrition explaining that caffeine consumption can cause a myriad of problems, including decreased brain function. Or something like that. I don't exactly remember. Probably becuz drinking cafee mad me dum. (: I am mildly concerned but determine that what I lose in the smarts department, can be made up for in the extra energy department.

In 2007 I find out that I'm pregnant and have to cut out coffee cold turkey during the 1st trimester. I'm very proud to say that I managed to cut it out while maintaining a moderately positive outlook on life. (Translation: thank goodness that pregnancy also induced exhaustion or I might have done bodily harm to anyone within 10 feet of me.)
Thankfully I had an open-minded group of physicians following my pregnancy, and they eventually agreed that I could have an occasional cup during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. Perhaps it is because they didn't feel it would cause any harm. Or perhaps they noticed the pleading and desperate look in my eye. Or maybe the fact that I beat one of them over the head with those lovely stirrups until they said I could have "my precious" back. Details...

I am fully aware that crunchy-granola-mommies everywhere are gasping with horror! The poor caffeinated fetus! Aaaaagh! Seriously folks I don't claim to be all-natural-wholesome mommy. I try to be a better mom every day than I was the day before, but even homey has her limits, ok? I DO, however, make my own all natural baby food...does that earn me points? We'll save that redeeming fact for another post!

Fast forward to the present day. I am working full time in a position that averages 65+ hours per week. I bring my daughter to work with me every, single, day since the day she turned 6 wks old. I was even busting out the breastaurant at work for a while there, pumping and dumping the poisoned caffeine boob milk! Dangit! Throw some vanilla in there and Starbucks might market it as a latte for $3.89! Presenting the new, all-natural (insert drumroll here.....) Boobaccino!!! Obviously it would be marketed primarily to males.

It is a blessing to bring her, yes, but honestly I get NOTHING DONE! The real work begins when I get home and sometimes hubby can watch her. That is, if hubby is not in his MBA class that is 2 nights per week. Not complaining, just further justifying the addiction!

I've really tried to hate Starbucks. They are "THE MAN", the "establishment", the one putting the little guys out of business. There is actually a cute little coffee shop right around the corner from my house and I gave it a shot, really I did! I had visions of the saying "Morning Missy! Do you want your usual drink while you sit on our inviting red leather couch with your cell phone on silent and peruse the local paper for fun family activities do to this weekend?" Unfortunately, not so much. Because their coffee tastes like heinie! As the rehab boys explained to mem if you were hooked on crack, a Xanax just wouldn't cut it.

Nope, I'll feed my addiction anonymously via drive-thru, while rushing into work, baby snoozing in the back, cell phone attached to my ear listening to coworkers complaining about each other and asking me to fix years of dysfunction that has nothing to do with me, save the fact I supervise them both! But there is some great coffee at the end of the line, dangit, and it's MINE! All MINE!

And I'm fully aware that a day of financial reckoning is coming soon...at which time I will have to resort to desperate lengths to raise money to fund the caffeine addiction. Dave Ramsey can bite me. But until that time....

Let me be happy in my slightly altered state, with my Starbucks grande coffee with 3 Splendas and nonfat milk in hand. There will definitely be a smile on my face, and that is sometimes difficult to come by in these hectic days!

While we're on the topic of the 12 steps, remind me to blog later about how everyone and their dog from my past has decided to hunt me down to include me in their Step #9. You cannot make this stuff up folks! Thank goodness I'm well caffeinated and can handle it!

71 comments:

Candid Carrie said...

Ha ha, I popped over from Mrs. R's list. Laughed out loud about Robert Downey Jr.! You must have seen the video from Idol with him, Jack Black, and Ben Stiller. I just get worked up watching him be the straight man and then disappear off the stage!

If you can't fix him, let me try.

Heather said...

Hello, my name is Heather and I'm a Starbucksaholic. I swear they put crack in their coffee to make me NEED it so bad. I'm a skinny vanilla latte girl.

I loved your story!!

Tiffany said...

This is hysterical. I love your blog so much that I will continue to read it even though you went to ND...I went to USC....

Back to coffee.. I don't think how many people realize the calories and the cash they put you back. Thank God I am not into coffee...I have enough expensive addictions as it is.. like shoes. And handbags. And fruity cocktails.

Debbie said...

Hi Missy! I would go to the lengths you go to for a diet coke. I hate coffee but love the caramel machiatto...to which I like to call it a dessert that I can drink. Thanks so much for your the truly sweet comment you left on my blog and thanks for de-lurking. I love that. And I just want to tell you that this post is brilliant and if you haven't submitted it to Tiffany and Heather, you need to do it in the next five minutes or I will. Keep writing stuff like this...this is what gets you noticed. What a riot!!!! I will be back when I have more time to go through your older posts!

Debbie said...

Hold the presses. Did I just read that you went to Notre Dame...Oh we can't be friends. I went to Penn State. ;)

Sleepless Sabra said...

Missy, that blog entry was so clever and funny you should seriously send it off to like, Parenting magazine or something. I really think it'd get published!

Unknown said...

After gaining 10 lbs in 3 weeks, I figured I better drop the daily whole milk with whip Chai Latte. I am currently going thru withdrawls. Fat free and no whip does not taste as yummy, but I'd rather fit into my pants. LOL!!

Kathi said...

That was so cute! I agree Parent's magazine needs your article. Kathi

Jaime said...

OMG! That was hilarious!

And yes, I order a venti mocha frappaccino to drink over the course of 2 days. Not the hot coffee, though.

Congrats on being featured on the SITS blog...you totally deserved it with that post!!!

Mommy Meryl said...

Ha ha! that was great! I do love my venti-iced-chai tea w/ soy (yes, that was a mouthful!) from Starbucks. ..

Sheri said...

Are you ready for this? There is NO starbucks any where near me. Not within 40 minutes! So, rather, I've discovered that the dentist's office behind MY office has a Starbucks machine. They've become my new best friends, and will even deliver if I call and ask REAL nice!!! Too funny . . .

John Deere Mom said...

I MIGHT just have a similar problem. As in, my daughter (who is 2) ran over here, saw the pic of your Starbucks cup and said, "Is that mocha, mocha?" :)

Amy said...

I've never been a coffee drinker, but I LOVE cappucino.

Your story was cute, and very funny. :)

EmBee said...

There's that Music Box Dancer again... So kicky, I love it!

I drink coffee only socially and when I do it has to be filled with cream and lots o' sugar... Sweet, sweet iced coffee... If I drank it every day I'd be two-ton-tessie!

Oh, and I love the term 'Breastaurant'... classic!

Deanna said...

I caffeinated my baby, too. He's fine except that whole not sleeping thing! :) Great blog!

Tsosie and Peterson Bunch said...

Hi. Found you through SITS. I to am an addict - but thankfully I'm addicted to gas station cappacino. At least it's cheaper:)

S Club Mama said...

Well, my mother is a coffee addict...but at least yours probably tastes better than her homemade Foldgers BLACK BLACK BLACK coffee.

Cara said...

I am with you, thank God for drive thru's.
I drank coffee (cut back a little) through out both my pregancies and they are both fine, a little energetic but fine.

Rhea said...

I'm a word-lover and a writer, so the term boobaccino totally made me fall in love with you!! You're hilarious!!

I had never stepped foot in a Starbucks until a year ago. I don't drink coffee, so I just didn't go there. THen my mom had me taste a chai tea...and that's the end of the story. I was hooked.

BTW, I lived in Austin for 19 years and just moved recently to the north of Dallas area!!

Jess NBP said...

that was funny, but i'm not a coffee drinker and have two little ones. So I tend to drink pepsi or sweet tea.

LaQuintamomof3 said...

Loved this. I am a Venti Americano fan! I do have to be careful, the cash is serious when you add it all up. I even buy their dran beans to make the drug at home. Drinking it now.
You are hilarious, thanks for starting my day off with a good giggle.

Melanie Dickens said...

I myself am a recovering Coca-Cola addict. I do slip at times but always find my way back.

Karla Cook @ Roads to Everywhere said...

I've done the "buy a large so there will be leftovers" thing, too!

Live.Love.Eat said...

Don't feel bad. I have had leftover coffee from 4 days prior. You can't tell so much when it has Bailey's Irish Cream in it!!!

Anonymous said...

Give me a white chocolate mocha any day!

Heidi Rogers said...

You are funny!! that really made me laugh, not much of a coffee drinker, but when I do my co-workers know that I have had some.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, I get so anxious to go to bed just so I can wake up in the morning and have my first cup of coffee!! My doctor let me drink one cup of coffee a day when I was pregnant, and let me tell you, I got some looks!

P.S. My son is DANCING to Bob on your blog...little hippie!!

Simply Stork said...

yup, I love coffee...and yup, it mad me dum :o)

that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it...now I know what to say when my spelling is off on these comment thingy(s) LOL

~simply~

Tracy P. said...

Boobaccino--I am rolling!! I love me some coffee too--but since I don't earn an income, I make my own and add the creamer flavor of the day--never without two or three bottles in the fridge!

Unknown said...

Here from SITS.

'Boobaccino' ... toooo funny :-) Actually, the whole post is hysterical, had me laughing out loud.

I'm not addicted to Starbucks. However, I do buy Seattle Mountain coffee beans from Costco and if I don't get my couple of cups of freshly ground, freshly brewed coffee, first thing in the morning, then you don't want to be anywhere near me!!

Monogramchick said...

We all have our vises...for me a fountain Diet Coke is sweet, sweet nectar! Drink up!

Jenni said...

I have never laughed out loud so many times while reading a post! I don't drink coffee but I have a similar love-hate relationship with Diet Coke and Mountain Dew (I tried to quick coke and got hooked on dew and must have both!) If you write like this often I will be back for laughs!

Jen said...

I'm totally laughing out loud here!!

Jennifer P. said...

Since I am one of those crazy people who drinks no caffeine at all (not even Coke...bad headache/insomnia problem)--I always find these posts informational----and hilarious :)!

I think we can all fully understand why the colonists totally FLIPPED out about the whole tea tax thing. Can you imagine the pres. coming up with a Starbucks tax? THat would be a lot of angry, hyper people with pitchforks!

THanks for giving me a good laugh this morning! HOpe you never have to drink Maxwell Crack House coffee again :).

Kaza said...

SITsta, this is one of the best posts of all time! I'm a fellow Starbucksaholic. Had the exact same pants-tightening experience this past year, so am now trying to find a skinny drink instead. (I actually prefer just espresso, but it goes down too fast and leaves nothing for the rest of the day, much less the next morning... and yes, I have saved mine too, holla!)

Mama Dawg said...

That was funny! My addiction to coffee is not as strong as yours but that could be because I have literally $0 in my wallet and account right now. And it tends to always stay that way! Sigh...I'll just live vicariously through you!

Sunshine said...

O.M.Goooodneeeesss! That was so funnnAY. You are funny girl. I can't comment on just one thing, cuz I'd be retyping you're whole post! Flipping funny.

I tried to give up Starbuck's and go to a little local (i looooved it...can you say best Mexican Mocha *ever*)everybody-knows-your-name coffee shoppe (notice the extra "p" and "e"--yeah, one of those places) and I proclaimed it MY COFFEE SHOP (they had booths)...and then they closed, went out of bidness, after like 15 yrs. or something. OF COURSE. Dang it. I tried.

Shel said...

A coffee lover here too!! Fortunately for me and my checkbook, we don't have a starbucks in town. So I settle for mcd's.

Sometimes i make my own coffee at home and put my leftovers in the fridge. Then if I need a little pick-me-up, I put that coffee in the blender with some ice and milk and make my own frufru drink!!

Merrie said...

I am with you on this. I actually have to force myself to cut back now and then, but there's this drive thru on my way to work, and...well...you know. Give me a latte and I'll show you a happy mommy.

Anonymous said...

okay, i'm a little ashamed to admit this, but, during my first stint as a stay-at-home mom, i used to go to the local coffee shop with the kids... i'd get a lg. white mocha for that afternoon, another lg. one to keep in the fridge until dinner time, and small white mocha to drink ON THE WAY HOME from that trip to the coffee shop. ugh. i gained 72320345984305978 lbs and had to stop the insanity.

Jen said...

I have met very few mom's that are not coffee drinking fouls. I need it and I can't or maybe should say will not go with out. I drank coffee and soda through all my pregnancies and my kids are fine, a little hyper but fine.
You go and get your Starbucks. I am right behind you in line. :)

angela | the painted house said...

Are you two-timing with my sweet dark-roasted lover?

Love the Maxwell Shack! :)

Mary said...

Yea, once you're in, man, you're in...

Anonymous said...

I used to say I would never give Starbucks my money. USED to say it...

Anonymous said...

I'm not a coffee drinker but I too have a caffeine "problem". If there's a "group" I probably need it!

Kristen said...

Here from SITS - OMG there I was skimming along your coffee saga when BAM - I am laughing so hard out loud - Dave Ramsey can kiss my butt too. I refuse to give up my iced mochas no matter HOW poor I may become or deep into debt. I quit during all 3 pregnancies and then went right back on the crack. I now tell myself I'll quit when I get a full nights sleep again...in how many years?

Thanks for the laugh!

Nichole said...

mocha-rengued over from SITS "Boobaccino!!! Obviously it would be marketed primarily to males." freakin hilarious. do you get to recommend "survival treks" to deliquents? are you a fan? you know they go the desert and have to depend soley upon themselves for survival. while there they have epiphany after epiphany and flipf their life 180 degrees after they return to civilization. i know a few guys with experience in the leader side and they are pretty great folks.

Anonymous said...

That is so awesome that you work in social services and you can take your baby to work with you. My husband is a therapist and the outpatient facility he worked at SUCKED. His boss and co-workers would all give me dirty looks every time I would visit with the baby. Now he's working for an insurance company doing the approvals over the phone, and loves it!

I just started loving coffee, and I forgot about the no caffine during pregnancy thing! Oh, crap! Another thing to get rid of before the next pregnancy!

Enjoy your day with SITS!

Anonymous said...

I my gosh! I could not stop laughing! Thanks for such a humorous post!

Anonymous said...

Great post! Makes me feel very happy I gave up caffeine to easliy! :)

KatBouska said...

I'm still not getting it...mom said I'd develop a taste for the stuff...I try and try again, but still YUCK. And I live in Seattle. I'm pretty sure that's a crime here.

Melissa Lester said...

Funny! I love going to Starbuck's with my friends, but the ordering gets kind of complicated for me since I don't go there regularly. You have to learn a lot of lingo to get the fancy drinks, and I can't handle much caffeine or I am up all night!

Sherri said...

I am not a coffee drinker Diet Coke is my addiction!!!

Unknown said...

Coffee Coffee Coffee Give it to me now Although. I would much rather have some plain ol' Folger's with some hazelnut creamer than that shtuff that they serve at s-bux! what do they not have PLAIN coffee? There's always the 'flavor of the day' but they never just have some plain ol breakfast blend! What they hey!? lol. Coffee FTW!
SITS

Anonymous said...

Great post! It's funny to see that so many of us are coffee/soda addicts. I wonder if it goes hand in hand with being a mommy. I prefer my coffee from Tim Hortons (HI canucks!) which is basically a lot cheaper and less fancy than SBux. But in a pinch i'll make some at home, usually in my handy dandy new french press :)

Great site, I will definitely be back! Congrats on being featured as the DB

Acrimony said...

I have kicked my caffeine addiction! I am 7 days caffeine free! ZZzzzzZzzz Oh wait, where was I? Yes, yes 7 days!

Maggii said...

I can't live without coffee!

Alison said...

The whole post is funny, but THIS made me laugh for real: Boobaccino!

Michelle said...

Oh too funny!

I will say that you've validated my refusal to learn to like coffee. Thank you! I so can't afford having 12 pounds reappear, and I know I can't drink the non-1200 calorie drinks!

Lisa@BlessedwithGrace said...

Your rant on caffeine and all the reason for your usage is so funny. Thanks for sharing.

Tena said...

oh this is so funny! The things we mama's do for are cafferine fixes!

Anonymous said...

Glad to know I'm not alone. One of my biggest downfalls is the local Super Target with the Starbucks in store. I can shop and drink, drink and shop. Brilliant.

Gina said...

I thought the mice were nibbling the side seam off my jeans and then sewing them back together....
Now you want to tell me that it has something to do with the daily Grande No Water Chai, or coffee Frappuccino, or Hazelnut Latte? Huh, who knew?

Anonymous said...

you know, sometimes Starbucks is juuuuuust what I need to make my day a little brighter! in fact, i think everyone should enjoy this little piece of heaven often! ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow - how much coffee did you drink before writing this post?? :)

Jacki McHale said...

Venti Raspberry Mocha Frapachino please.

Oh my DH drinks yesterdays coffee often. Probably never again after yesterday... I need to blog on it...

Anyway, I hate calories that are attached to Starbucks, boo!! Eitherway, I budget money to have so much Starbucks a month, and it goes on my personalized Starbucks card, and yes it is registered so I get my raspberry sauce for free, and yes I bring my own Starbucks cup for a .10 discount. Does all that make me an addict?

Oh and both of my children were made with coffee too. And they both sleep through the night. Love the blog!!

Jacki
SITS sister!

Laura said...

My mom started us on coffee at the tender age of 3! Three--what was she thinking. Sure, it was heavily diluted with milk, but come on! I know it was 1980, but a couple of years ago she started giving it to my now 5-year-old niece. That said, we're all just fine, my two brothers and I, unless we don't get our morning fix. As for te niece, Betsy, she hasn't shown any signs of addiction, but she does get that twinkle in her eye when she hears the coffeepot start up.

Adiel | Rose Gold Lining said...

Oh man thats good stuff.

Top three parts:
"Probably becuz drinking cafee mad me dum. (:"

"boobachino"

and the Dave Ramsey reference.

I can related to the left over coffee thing. I've never liked the taste of coffee so I do the ever poisonous energy drinks.
I'll buy the biggest can I can find and milk it all day long till mid afternoon when its basically warm and flat. mmmm...

Judy Schwartz Haley | CoffeeJitters.Net said...

I had to go get myself a cup of coffee while reading this post - suggestion is also a powerful master

Anonymous said...

Lovin the Boobaccino word! Hilarious! I have yet to start liking coffee. Chai is my addiction. That and coke. I see the merits though after reading your post. I just may give it a try...

StitchinByTheLake said...

Starbucks rules! And if they try to close the one in my town I will so be carrying a protest sign! Blessings, marlene


Missy

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